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ArmenianSurvival
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Topic: Britain claims America! Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 03:16 |
Home Office (London, UK) to the People of America |
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of
your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect: |
-
- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness
on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters.
- You will end your love affair with the letter
'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
by the suffix "ise".
- You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra'
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
- There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't
have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you
won't have to use bad language as often.
-
- There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
- The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
-
- You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. British accents are not limited to
Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
- You will also have to learn how to understand regional
accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be
broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must
learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name
of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
Louisianashire.
-
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast British
actors to play British characters. British sit-coms such as "Men
Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down
for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
occasional political incorrectness.
-
- You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up half way through.
-
- You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
- Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American"football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.
- You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"
which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
-
- You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky.
- The Russians have never been the bad guys.
- "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
- You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You
will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
-
- July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
-
- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
- All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
- You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
-
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are
Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
"crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
- The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which
should be served warm and flat.
- Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
-
- As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be
added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
-
- The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
- The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will
henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose
product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Cesk Budejovic a.k.a. Budweis, Czech Republic) to be sold without
risk of confusion.
-
- From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st
2005) prices with the former USA.
- The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).
-
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
-
- Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
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Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
http://www.comiccaptions.com/images/uk.htm
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Mass Murderers Agree: Gun Control Works!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Resistance
Քիչ ենք բայց Հայ ենք։
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Maju
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 04:28 |
It would be a good therapy. Though I actually prefer American English,
mostly because in many cases I can't decide when a plaza is a circle or
a square: things are not always so simple. But I'm in favor of
metrication (what a word!).
Btw, would that mean that US will become part of the EU like Eastern
Germany or would it keep a separate status as all British (and Dutch,
but not French) colonies do?
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NO GOD, NO MASTER!
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Heraclius
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Location: England
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 10:37 |
The metric system must die! its evil I tells ya!
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A tomb now suffices him for whom the world was not enough.
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Cywr
King
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 11:03 |
AFAIK French colonies do have seperate status, the Carribbean islands,
Renunion and Guyanne are integral and inseperable parts of the French
nation state, and thus not colonies in the same vein as say the Dutch
or British islands, which are maintained as seperate entities (or
French territories such as New Caledonia for that matter).
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Arrrgh!!"
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Maju
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 12:27 |
Originally posted by Heraclius
The metric system must die! its evil I tells ya! |
It's as evil as the English language but is the only thing that most people understands.
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NO GOD, NO MASTER!
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Maju
King
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 12:29 |
Originally posted by Cywr
AFAIK French colonies do have seperate status, the Carribbean islands,
Renunion and Guyanne are integral and inseperable parts of the French
nation state, and thus not colonies in the same vein as say the Dutch
or British islands, which are maintained as seperate entities (or
French territories such as New Caledonia for that matter).
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You mean that they are integral and inseparable like Algeria used to be, don't you?
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NO GOD, NO MASTER!
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Heraclius
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 13:16 |
Originally posted by Maju
Originally posted by Heraclius
The metric system must die! its evil I tells ya!
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It's as evil as the English language but is the only thing that most people understands.
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Perhaps it's just me, but I find it impossible to adapt to the Metric system, I prefer inches feet and yards thank you very much .
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A tomb now suffices him for whom the world was not enough.
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Cywr
King
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 13:19 |
Originally posted by Maju
Originally posted by Cywr
AFAIK French colonies do have seperate status, the Carribbean islands,
Renunion and Guyanne are integral and inseperable parts of the French
nation state, and thus not colonies in the same vein as say the Dutch
or British islands, which are maintained as seperate entities (or
French territories such as New Caledonia for that matter).
|
You mean that they are integral and inseparable like Algeria used to be, don't you?
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But these guys vote.
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Arrrgh!!"
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Maju
King
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Quote Reply
Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 15:03 |
Originally posted by Heraclius
Originally posted by Maju
Originally posted by Heraclius
The metric system must die! its evil I tells ya!
|
It's as evil as the English language but is the only thing that most people understands.
|
Perhaps it's just me, but I find it impossible to adapt to the
Metric system, I prefer inches feet and yards thank you very much . |
Thanks for nothing. I know a yard is near a metre but don't ask me what
an inch is, much less a gallon or an ounce. If you used, let's say,
Chinese measures I couldn't understand better. They aren't even decimal
parts of each other.
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NO GOD, NO MASTER!
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Maju
King
Joined: 14-Jul-2005
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 15:09 |
Originally posted by Cywr
Originally posted by Maju
Originally posted by Cywr
AFAIK French colonies do have seperate status, the Carribbean islands,
Renunion and Guyanne are integral and inseperable parts of the French
nation state, and thus not colonies in the same vein as say the Dutch
or British islands, which are maintained as seperate entities (or
French territories such as New Caledonia for that matter).
|
You mean that they are integral and inseparable like Algeria used to be, don't you?
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But these guys vote.
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Algerians voted too, didn't they?
Being an integral and inseparable
part of something is no guarantee that they are not going to sell you
for a good price: look at Western Sahara: it was an integral and
inseparable part of Spain and Spain sold it to Morocco for almost
nothing. And they used to vote too, there were elections under
Franco... some sort of elections, you know.
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NO GOD, NO MASTER!
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Cywr
King
Retired AE Moderator
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 15:17 |
I don't think they did, or rather, only the Frenchies did.
True about selling out, though i don't think France is gonna sell Gayanne in a hurry, to valuable.
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Arrrgh!!"
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Zagros
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 15:19 |
wasn't daphne a liverpudlian?
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Cywr
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 15:49 |
I believe she was supposed to be from Manchester, only the accent is a bit off.
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Arrrgh!!"
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Heraclius
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 16:24 |
Originally posted by Zagros
wasn't daphne a liverpudlian? |
She may not have been but I am
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A tomb now suffices him for whom the world was not enough.
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Zagros
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 16:31 |
orights wach ~ Jesus Boots
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ok ge
Arch Duke
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 17:28 |
Originally posted by Heraclius
Perhaps it's just me, but I find it impossible to adapt to the Metric system, I prefer inches feet and yards thank you very much .
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Inches and Yards must die!!! US, Join the rest of the world for god sake!!
Funny enough, the English who brought it to the US, has abondended it!
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D.J. Kaufman
Wisdom is the reward for a lifetime of listening ... when youd have preferred to talk.
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ok ge
Arch Duke
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Quote Reply
Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 17:31 |
Holy Shmo!
Im a caliph!!!!
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D.J. Kaufman
Wisdom is the reward for a lifetime of listening ... when youd have preferred to talk.
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Heraclius
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Posted: 13-Oct-2005 at 17:48 |
Metric is constantly being forced on us, but many people still use the Imperial system of measurement here in Britain and are comfortable with it, so why confuse us with a system we dont particularly want.
I'll die before I give up the yard
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A tomb now suffices him for whom the world was not enough.
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Tobodai
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Posted: 14-Oct-2005 at 03:26 |
Metric system is great as one of the few Americans that understands it and the ease it brings Im am still bothered by my goverments continuing the use of it over an antiquated non uniform system.
I certainly do think the modern American wouldnt even notice if Britian took over again. ..
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"the people are nothing but a great beast...
I have learned to hold popular opinion of no value."
-Alexander Hamilton
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Cywr
King
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Posted: 14-Oct-2005 at 06:12 |
Britian began introducing metric back in the 1960s, the only people forcing it on Britian are the British.
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Arrrgh!!"
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